Be Brave – Be You

“Be Brave- Be You.”

Well if that isn’t a statement directed at me I don’t know what is. I have already said that my motto for this year was “Be Brave” and that the scripture that the Lord gave me was “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go “ Joshua 1:9 NLT .  The “Be you”   component of the statement was  a ‘secret of adulthood’ that I gleaned from reading “The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin” . “Be Gretchen” was one of her secrets that resonated, personally with me and whilst I was still reading the book I had began to implement, “Being  B.”  I have used this measure in regards making sure that the things that I am doing, the choices that I am making are me, that they are not measured against anyone else, and what anyone else would be doing or should be doing, but measured against myself and what I should be doing for me and my family. You and I are not made to fit into anyone else’s mould, we have our own mould, we are God’s masterpiece ( Ephesians2:11), uniquely created to be, individually ourselves.

And so here I am in the cusp of needing to make a very brave decision, a decision where my reasoning about what others do with their children as a normal part of life, is still not combating the fear that has crept into my heart. The indecisiveness I feel, as I weigh this decision is becoming quite a big dilemma for me. I don’t know what is the right or wrong answer here and I don’t want my kids to become pawns as I test the waters. Negative sounding I know, but that’s life, we all face them, whether we are positive or not, happy or sad, rich or poor, we all have dilemmas. They only way to fix them is to solve them,  and the best way for me to do that is to get it out of my head and onto paper where I can rationalise and analyse the pros, cons and God’s leading.

Since  our relocation 7 weeks ago, I have been on long service leave,  which was such an incredible blessing as it has given me time to settle the kids into our new life, but and there is always a but, its time for me to go back to work. I have never doubted that God took me from my previous job and re positioned me here, with a purpose in mind. I have always known that the job would present itself and so I have tried not to have any pre conceived ideas of what that is going to look like. I just continue to thank him in advance that He has prepares a place for me, and that His timing is perfect. So when I received a call offering me a job at a local entertainment complex doing waitressing, bar work and gaming, I had felt instantly relieved that I had something lined up to start, a job that I could do in the evenings and where I would be at home with the kids for school holidays and pick ups etc.

It all sounded great but I really wasn’t quite sold, on this being the job that the Lord has moved us all the way here for. But, I was trying not to rely on my own understanding;  because  I may be here for a customer of that workplace, or another staff member. I know that things are not always clear cut and so I had figured that I would just let it play out.

That being said, although I got the job, I have been unable to start because my husband has been working away back in our old region and has been staying away, sometimes for the whole week. The complex understood and gave me a period of four weeks to try and see if his employment settles. That four weeks grace period is up next week and I need to call them about commencing, yet I know that I am not in a position to accept the job yet. Dilemma number 1, which I suppose could easily be solved with a phone call explaining the situation, but at the same time I don’t know when he will stabilise and neither does his employer, and with a second income required to start coming in, I am really in a pickle and do not know what to do.

So I began looking online for jobs in the area, I wasn’t specific and I wasn’t really sure what I was looking for, something to fit in with our life perhaps, but then there it was, a job in the same industry as where I have come from, a job that I know would be ‘Being B’. The pay is good, it has long annual leave through school holidays, its also part time so that I can still run our charity and I don’t need to rely on my husband being in this region to take it. It sounds like a win- win doesn’t it? Except for one thing, my kids.

I’m not good with letting go of the apron strings and look everybody parents differently, but for me personally, I have always taken been an overprotective parent, and that’s deeply rooted in my past. I have always worked around childcare with both my husband and myself doing a lot of shift work so that one of us could always be home with the kids, and we have always driven our kids to school.

But here I am, I have no family here to help, and my husband is working away for now, this job, if I got it, would mean a walk to the school bus on her own for Baize, and I know in the world that its not that big of a deal, (I had moved out by the time I was 15) but it’s a big deal for me who really doesn’t want her walking on her own in this new location. I have such a fear of predators, that has mainly stemmed from when I was 15, I was accosted by a drunk old man whilst waiting to be picked up outside of a doctors surgery, that memory compounded with all of my other abuse memories and as a result I have never been comfortable with my girls out on their own.

I also have Monty, this would mean that she would be in child care three days a week and her current kindergarten program for the other two. I know, plenty of kids are in full time care, but again it pulls upon my heartstrings, she is so little and she will be at school next year and this is the last little bit of time that I have with her, and I guess I feel guilty.  It’s a tough gig as a working mum trying to make these decisions from this messy and unclear side of the tapestry. I need to work there is no doubt about that, but what is the right job choice for my family in this season and how do I determine that  when fear has such an iron clasp on my heart?

As much as we think that we are stronger, it can just creep on in there, FEAR – False Evidence Appearing Real….. taunting me with the worst case scenarios that something may happen to Baize, guilting me into thinking I am doing an injustice to Monty. But it’s not real. These fears have not happened. Yes, they can be real concerns, I know they can because my heart is in knots over them, but am I going to let fear hold me back from applying for a job that will help to pay to keep them in the school we have enrolled them in, put food on the table and petrol in the car and even pay for the essential swimming lessons required for Monty (now that we live at the beach)?

I have to work; it’s just a conundrum as to which job I should be pursuing. So whilst listening to worship music and praying that the Lord would slam closed any doors that were not of him, and believing that He would lead me, I placed my cup of coffee on the shelf next to my computer and there it was a candle with the words, “Be Brave, Be you.” The combat to fear is being Brave, its about  being brave enough to try, to step out, to step up, to step into all that you being called to do. Being brave doesn’t mean that you are without fear; it means that you don’t let fear stop you, it means doing something, even if you have to do it scared.

Be Brave, was the word God had given me for this year, even before all the radical changes in our lives, and Be you- well I just love finance, I truly love it!  Even when I was working the bar and the gaming floor,  I would get so excited every time that my supervisor  may require  a spreadsheet made, I would  always eagerly volunteer  my services, why?  Because its my thing. Finance is my niche and whilst I love the social aspect of the sports bar, where I can talk footy, and the gaming aspect has many people who need support and understanding, its finance that I love to do for work. Its part of being true to me.

I guess this post has been about trying to work it out in my own heart and mind, I need to be brave enough to pursue what is uniquely me, and trust that if this is not what God has planned for me then He will indeed slam shut the door like He has in the past.

And I need to gain a greater trust of Him with my children. This is not about being naïve and placing them in harms way, but I think that it’s about learning to let go a little, and stop being held back and in turn holding them back by the fear, that I have of the world in which we live. Even as I type this I know that this is going to be easier said than done, because my children are precious to me and I don’t know how, not to be, so fiercely protective.  But I think that God is calling me to be brave enough to trust Him with them.

This whole move has pushed me out of my comfort zone on so many levels, but this is the new life that He has given us. We have been in prayerful pursuit of a better life, a leaving behind of old traumas, old mindsets, and old footholds and the Lord is slowly breaking them off. I know that this is the year of Brave faith for me and so with that being said, I bravely hit send on the finance job application. Whether I get it, well that’s now in Gods hands, but pushing send was me saying “Here I am God, send me.” Hitting send was saying “I’m still scared about leaving the kids, I’m still scared about Baize walking on her own, but I want to be where you need me and if this is where you need me, doing a job that I will love, that provides well for my family then my fear is not going to stand in your way, let your will be done.”

Planted for His purpose

 

Before our move I had been at the same church for 17 years. I have seen the incredible highs of outreach, unity, salvation’s and growth and yet I have endured personally the heartbreak of church life lows. I have served under five Pastors and there have been seasons where I have begged God to release me to a different church.

Someone once explained to me an analogy of a tapestry, where from the rough side that we stand on, we can only see the mess, the loose threads going this way and that, often with no clear picture in sight. But the creator of the tapestry, knows exactly what they are weaving,and precisely where all of those loose threads are going. And when the times comes for us to stand on the other side of the masterpiece, only then can we see the beautiful full picture, that has been carefully woven with love and purpose.

God was weaving the threads of His purpose in my life and I am so thankful that I had learnt to develop an obedient heart, for even though I was hurt and justified in wanting to leave, Gods purpose for me was to stay, where my character would grow through the challenges. I had serious issues with rejection, and church became another platform where I felt the sting over and over. I have an incredibly powerful salvation testimony, one that completely changed my life and one that I knew could change the lives of others, who believe that their only freedom lies in suicide. I was completely on fire for God and for the lost and I had so much to say, but in these early seasons of my christian walk, I was never given an opportunity. The rejection I had felt and the sense of invisibility became the root of my problem,  it distorted my perception and became the stronghold through which  I filtered all of my church hurt. But still I stayed, I stayed because that it where the Lord wanted me, and I wanted to seek His will for my life above all else. I stayed and the Lord himself ministered to me , and walked me through, rejection to forgiveness and maturity.

Throughout those seasons I had still been seeking the Lord, I was still tithing, I was still interceding, I was still serving in children’s church and I knew that I was positioned for God to move in my life. The Lord grew so much in my character through those years, and this truly helped me to understand the meaning of being planted, despite the fact that my flesh was hurt.

Now I stand on the other side of that seasons tapestry and I can see so clearly all of the incredible blessings that I would have missed out on if I had given in to my flesh and offense. Blessings that the Lord had been preparing in my future, that were a direct result of being planted in my home church.

I have learnt that being planted simply means staying where God had placed you for His purpose. He knows what is needed in our lives and prepares the exact soil required for us to grow in character, resilience, trust and faith. If I had left when I went through disappointment, rejection and offense, then I would most likely have been church hopping for the last 17 years and never walked in the blessing of my perseverance; I would have missed out on my professional career and the growth of my ministry, both of which were initiated by opportunities that came directly from my relationship within my church home. Both of which have been part of Gods overall plan for my life. God indeed did have a ministry for me, and my passion never wavered in all those years, but I needed to learn a few things about leadership before I could walk in all that He had prepared for me.

Church is a gathering of imperfect people, yet we have an expectation or idealism that it should be perfect and when we find, as time surely will tell, that it is not, if we are not planted in the house, with our roots dug deep then we can easily be deceived by our own thoughts, of another perfect church, or a perfect Pastor, to which there is neither. We have only a perfect God, and the hope and trust in His perfect plan for our lives.

                                                         

And so this morning as I sat in my new church for the third time, I looked around and it suddenly hits me that we are really alone here. I don’t know many other people compared to knowing everyone at our previous church back home. But in that moment I also realized that this is ok. My heart felt completely at peace with the realization that I don’t need to know everyone just yet, these things take time and as the Lord continued to speak to my heart, I saw a seed being planted. A confirmation, that this church was indeed to be my new home, and with a moment of clarity that assured me that I had all the time needed.

I don’t need to be in a rush, I don’t need to try and get noticed, I don’t need to get a meeting with the leadership to tell them who I am, and all about my nation wide ministry or my years of service working for the church . I don’t need to tell them I’ve been on leadership, that I have a heart for intercession and that I would be happy to come and pray for people. No, today I am assured that all I need to do is worship the Lord, and wait on Him. I have been re positioned and planted for His purpose. He knows my gifts and my credentials for he has blessed me with them in the first place.

I am symbolically a seed that the Lord has planted into this house for such a time as this. I am reminded of the 25 year old version of myself, who entered a church, 17 years ago  where I didn’t know anyone, yet grew into a women who had her own office in the building, living a future that I had never foreseen not even for a moment when my young heart felt rejected by leadership. So too will the older wiser version of myself, walk in a future that as yet I cannot see, but God knows the very people sitting in this church that I will one day call my family and closest friends.

Regardless of what storms may come, this is where the Lord wants me and here I shall stay until He directs otherwise.

The blossoming buds of a changing season

The trucks had been loaded, the pot plants were gone and the house had been left shining like the top of the Chrysler building. I had been the last one left to leave and I had wanted to take just a moment to reflect on our whirlwind relocation and the past six years spent here. This house had been our “begin again” house, built following the recession of 2007-2009, almost a year after selling our previous home and finalising our business. It had been the biggest house on the cheapest block, and all that we could afford. It may have had no frills, except for the kitchen cupboards, but it had been an incredible blessing and a fulfilment of the promise, that God would provide for us.

It was funny, the things that had sprang to mind, as I had sat there remembering all of the hours of hard work that it had taken to build the gardens, the deck and the driveway. I had remembered my Mum living in a friend’s caravan on the front lawn, whilst her own house was being built. And I had smiled, shaking my head as I had remembered how blessed we were that it didn’t burn the house down, the day that it caught on fire. I had remembered bringing Monty home from hospital, to the first real nursery that I had ever prepared, in the home where she had taken all of her monumental firsts. I had looked over to the boardwalk and I could still see her learning to fly her kite and ride her bike as she had raced up the length of it. I remembered both the elder kids getting their L’s and their P’s here and driving out the driveway on their own for the very first time. I had looked over at the garage door and remembered the annual first day of school photos, with all the kids lined up in front of it. We had seen beginnings of kindergarten and high school, and graduations from senior school and university. There had been many milestone memories in this house, and I was left with a sense of thankfulness and gratitude for the season in our lives when our family was growing to independence, the season when our family unit was together.

Standing pride of place in the middle of the front yard was my ornamental pear tree. A gardener, I am not, but I had planted and nurtured this particular tree, which had now grown strong and beautiful over the past few years, a gift that had thoroughly blessed my heart every September, when I would see the first buds of blossom, signifying the changing season. As I had looked at the tree now at the end of summer, so lush, leafy and full of promise, I had realised metaphorically, that this is exactly how I felt about the new season ahead of us.

We were all born here in this region, yet now we were leaving behind all that we had ever known, including our jobs, our friendships, and our church community. We were saying goodbye to our siblings, parents and our precious elder children, both of whom were content to stay here in this region, living their own lives. The magnitude of leaving could have felt overwhelming all things considered, but as I said goodbye to our family home it didn’t, I was full of thanksgiving to the Lord for all the family blessings and wonderful memories that we have encountered here, but I was just as thankful that I was leaving the battleground, still in one piece.

Later on that evening at my Mum’s our family had prepared a small farewell for us, and my eldest daughter presented me with a gift, it was a beautiful and professional illustration that she had done of our home. “I know that you are leaving it” She had said “But I wanted to give you something to remember our family home, well the longest house that we had ever lived in”.  This beautiful gift had resonated profoundly within me, not because I had developed a deep attachment to the house, but because of all that the God had shown me only an hour earlier, as I had sat out the front, thanking Him for the beautiful memories that my family had made there.

There were many tears that night, but somewhat strangely for everyone else, they were not from me. I would genuinely miss my family that is a given, but as the memories of the past few years flashed in my thoughts, and the truth of the pressure, the grief and the pain, boldly stares me in the face, I know assuredly, that I have cried all the tears that I can cry. I know that this move, is the suddenly moment, that has picked me up out the pit and set my feet once again upon the rock. This move is about God picking up the broken arrow of my life, that once never missed its target, and carefully putting it back together.

I know that it’s probably hard for my family to understand the reason why I am not sad, because in order to understand the relief, they would have had to understand the grief, and letting people in is not something that I am good at. Of course they had been able to visibly see the constant flow of tears, that had over time probably de-sensitised them to the fact that something was terribly wrong, but what they didn’t know is how much more heartbreaking their tears would have been now, had the battle not been won.

This new season is truly a gift of life, it is a time of restoration, in so many areas and I believe that as a family, including my eldest children that we will all flourish and grow in this season. I don’t know what the future looks like, and I don’t know what God has planned for me to do, but I know without a doubt that He is preparing a place for me. Right now I have long service leave and until such time as that leave is up, my plan is to worship Him, wait on Him, set up our new house, settle all of our kids into our new lives and prepare for our new future, in peace and in trust knowing that God has everything in control; and that the season of sorrows is finally over.

Leaving Layla

“Layla is my very best, best friend, isn’t she mummy?” My littlest one, Monty chirped as I helped her out of the car for kindergarten. “I am going to play with her and Harry today, because they are my very best friends”. My heart sank a little as I looked down at her cheery little face, filled with so much genuine excitement to be spending the morning with her best friends in the whole world. Pushing open the gate, I suddenly realised that she only has one more Monday left before we relocate. Anxiety gripped the clutches of my heart, creating an onset of racing thoughts as to whether we really are doing the right thing by moving away from everything that we know and love.

The faith filled, anchored in our decision, part of my thoughts stood firm and almost dismissive in tone “I believe that just like everything else has fallen into place, so will this, there will be a Layla in our new region for Monty”. But from a place deep in the recesses of my mother heart, the question remained, edged in fear “Will there?”

Just choosing a kindergarten in the first place had been such a big dilemma for me last year, as I had stressed so much about her ability to settle, knowing that crèche had been a nightmare. I had also worried about whether she would make a best friend like she now had at crèche, a friend that had finally made leaving Monty a lot easier for both of us.  I prayed a lot about this as I began to tour different kindergartens with the sole purpose in mind of finding not just the right one but maybe one where she would be in the same group as someone that she would eventually go to school with the following year.

I had been so delighted to find a wonderful kindergarten hidden away, not more than five minutes from my house, a kinder where the teacher was the same one that had taught my daughter Baize, many years before, and a kinder that also had Harry. We had known Harry’s family from church and finding out that each other’s children were going to enrol at this particular kindergarten, and then to the same school the following year was an answer to prayer for both myself and Harry’s mum. Then as if to add icing to the already glorious kindergarten cake, I was to find out that Layla, my friend’s little girl, would also be attending the same kindergarten.

You know right from the onset, Monty never skipped a beat at this kindergarten and these past few weeks have been the best introduction to kindergarten that I could possibly hope for, and so very different from that year at crèche. We have had no tears about going and no tears of overflowing emotions when I pick her up. These past few weeks have been perfection, perfection that I am sad to leave, perfection that I am really scared Monty won’t ever have again.

We have toured her new kindergarten and she has had a play there, but a Layla has yet to reveal herself. I know that I can’t expect too much, as she was only there for a half an hour;  I know that we have to give it time, that we have to give her time but as a mum, my heart hurts for her and I grapple with this because  I know that I am taking her away from something very special.

Guilt and fear have a way of wrestling into your spirit and quite easily grasping a tight rein on your emotions. I know that I need to get a hold of my thoughts here before Guilt and Fear had me believing that this was the wrong move. So I will console myself  in prayer and remind  myself that this is a good move, that it is infact a God move;  a  specific re- positioning for His purpose.  The Lord has opened doors for her to be in a  fantastic new school/ kindergarten environment, the kind that we could not have orchestrated on our own.  The Lord has opened doors for all of us in this move, He is in control and because He is, I have to trust that Monty will be ok, that Layla and Harry will be ok, and that I will be ok.

First Blog Post- Brave enough to try

I don’t know about you but allowing myself to be vulnerable, even for the good of others sometimes truly scares me. For years I have written with the sole aim of connecting with people through trauma and hope, but when the rubber hits the road, like now for example, as I begin to type my first post, I feel that ping of fear in my heart that says “Do you really want to do this,  because there is no going back if you do?”

But my response is yes! Yes, I do want to do this, because I know that it is the right path for me. Yes, I am nervous, but this year  2017, for me, is the year of being brave and stepping into all that the Lord has planned for me. That means even when I am scared, even if it makes me vulnerable, and even if I ultimately fail I will follow where He leads. For, how would I ever know what wonderful things may come as a result, if I refused to try? And, how would I ever grow anymore in character and in the pursuit of my dreams,  if I stopped every time that I failed.

So, I begin to type and I lean on the Lord to strengthen me, as I remind myself of all the ways in which Jesus, has made me brave thus far. Brave enough to confront, brave enough to follow and brave enough to pursue. When my fleshly heart faints in fear, the word of God reminds me that He has a plan and purpose for my life, a plan to prosper me and not to harm me, a plan to give me a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).

Whether I am in the valley or high upon the mountaintop, He is still with me and He is in control. I may not know what is around the corner, but I place my trust in a God that does, a God that calls me to “Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. and promises  For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9 NLT).

 

First Blog Post – Introducing Me

Introducing Me

Diverse, would be probably be a terrific word to describe me. Diverse in social circles, nature, employment, interests and music . Diverse interest in almost everything really with the exception food. You see food is that one area that I like to eat plainly. I’m not a salt, sauce and spices kind of girl and I’m definitely not gourmet. I rarely go out for dinner but when I do, I am finding it harder and harder to find a plain menu that I actually know what the ingredients are. Just give me a straightforward chicken ceasar salad, without the anchovies and I am good.

I am in my early forties and married with four children ranging in age from 4-22. I live in Australia and my greatest champion would have to be my Mum. I am typically a very hardworking, honest, committed and kind-hearted person, with a large capacity to help others. I am a book keeper by day and a bar tender by night, both of which provide me the financial freedom to invest my time into the not for profit charity that I run in a volunteer capacity.

I’m at home making lattes, crunching numbers, cleaning bars, building organisations and basically doing whatever needs to be done to work in with our family dynamics and help pay our bills.  I have lived on the wrong side of the tracks, the right side of the tracks and I have travelled most of the roads in between, trying to provide a better life for my kids and make a difference in the lives of others.

I would probably be described by others as a very excitable character, especially when you get me started on the things that I am very passionate about like Jesus, The Collingwood Football Club and spreadsheets. In terms of musical interests I can be found rocking it out to Nickleback and Pink, toe-tapping to Carrie Underwood and Keith Urban, worshipping to Amazing Grace and even sitting solo, singing my heart out at a 1D concert.

My weakness is stress and frustration and you can be assured that the root of my problem can almost always be traced back to running late, especially when the whole family needs to be somewhere. It does not seem to matter how early I actually get up I cannot seem to get everyone out of the door on time. This thorn in my side, scenario is almost always made worse by slowness. Slow trucks, slow caravans and slow walkers all of which on those days, seem to be thrown in my path. Needless to say patience is the virtue that I am trying to nurture the most in my life.

Over the past fourteen years or so, my life has been lived very fast paced and I would consider time to be one of my biggest enemies. If I was ever granted the chance to choose a super power it would hands down always be to freeze time.

Life hasn’t been easy but, I have accomplished so much with very little and I have learnt an incredible amount along the way about Faith, Endurance, Character, Commitment, Grief, Honour, Forgiveness and Hope. I believe that personal testimonies are helpful in encouraging others, that they too can overcome similar obstacles. People need hope, they need to be able to relate and that’s what I want to do with my writing. I’m not writing to play perfect and set unrealistic standards for people to follow. My writing is real, and in all its mess, madness and miracles I hope that I can inspire, challenge and encourage others to know that they are not alone in theirs.

So why a blog? Why now?

I have always loved to write and I have trunks of journals, poetry and manuscripts; edits upon edits that I still haven’t quite gotten to the point where I am satisfied to trek the publishing path with. I would dearly love to see them finished, and out there helping people, but in all reality I just don’t have the time in this season of my life.

Lets face it with a four year old alone life is busy and with a bigger family to boot, it is often a very chaotic household, then add in a running a charity, working a part time day job and a part time night job, whilst also sitting as president and treasurer on two boards and helping two other business’s with their books voluntarily, then you can kind of see why there has been little time for me to invest into my manuscript. So, whilst I have accepted, begrudgingly that I don’t have the time to immerse myself in the world of my manuscripts, the desire to write is still there. Everyday I find something new buzzing around in my head and my hands tingling with the urge to write. So, here I am attempting my first blog.

I hope that I can make you laugh at the ridiculous situations that I get myself into along the way. So, you can expect minor meltdowns, parenting blunders, toddler tantrums, battles with the bulge, food fiascos and flying chickens all amidst trying to maintain the balance between financial responsibilities, family life, faith and of course my football obsession.

There will also be serious blogs and opportunities for people to connect in particular areas, where I will be sharing about grief and loss, tackling not only my own, but also the impact of the journey that I walk with others, through our charity. There will  be topics covering suicide, cancer , depression and anxiety and domestic violence, among others.

These deeper areas of my blog will require me to be brave enough to share the painful paths of my life, its going to make me vulnerable and that is scary, but as of today I have begun, in the hope that others will also be brave enough reach out and hold onto hope in those dark places, even when everything inside of them may scream, that they are done. Life can turn around suddenly, and I want to encourage that seasons do pass, that healing is possible and that there is hope in our futures.

I hope that you stay along for the ride, and that maybe you can possibly overlook some of my grammatical errors. Because I can assure you that in these early stages there will be many. Writing I can do, grammar…… not so good, but I promise to try and work on it.

Thanks for reading and have a great day.

B